To Be Eaten Alive or To Starve To Death?

[Dotty]

That is the question Luke posed to me today. We were looking at a bed bunker on the internet. Oh nothing exciting - I'm long past the time when I thought of young men like Luke in terms of bed snuggles or acrobatics. Heaven forbid. As my mother used to say to me, "Dorothy, there's a reason why women have more headaches than men." I'm not entirely sure what that reason is but I'm sure it was a good point.

Anyway, I found this bed bunker on the internet:

It says you should keep your weapons in it but what good is it going to be to have your weapons locked away if the zombies can eat you? So I said to Luke that it would be better to climb in one side and keep your weapons in the other. After all, it's meant to be a bed. But I think you'd probably starve to death before the zombies give up on you. And there doesn't seem to be enough room to wield a weapon in there, so if the zombies did pull the doors off, you wouldn't be in any position except to lie there amongst your arsenal while the zombie feasted on you. I'll need to think about this a bit more.

Which seems such a shame really. I read the field report on safe houses with interest. If the zombies attacked the home, we'd all be gone within hours. Still, I know they'd help themselves if they could. I hope someone finds a way to help them. I can't keep lying awake at night worrying about who's going to keep Luke company through the rest of his community service if I get eaten by zomies.

[Lucinda]

Dotty,

I have always slept with a sharpened axe and a loaded rifle in a case above my bed. Should I ever require use of one I need only to reach up, grab, shoot or yield as necessary. This I have done many times, acquiring a one hundred per cent decapitation rate. Unfortunately this has included some of the best maids I’ve ever had, not to mention my own cousin Cynthia, who was really the only relative I ever felt any genuine warmth for despite the obvious relish she took in fondling herself as she watched me sleep. Still, a small price to pay, all things considered.

I think every room in one’s house ought to be equipped with some weapon of destruction. It will keep those burglars under control too. An old bird such as yourself ought to have a legion of weapons at her disposal. I mean, if your home for the aged were to come under zombie attack, you’d hardly be fighting them off ninja-style, would you?

As for being ‘long past the age’ – you don’t fool me. You and Luke have been at it since the moment you mentioned him, I dare say before then as well.

Fondest wishes,

Lucinda.