Save The Zombies From Red Meat Death Link!

[Dotty]

Luke's community service ended and no one else here would talk about zombies. They all thought I was mad. "You're mad, Dotty!" they would all say when I tried to talk to them about zombies. Happily though, Luke has re-offended and is back on community service so I have someone to talk to again! I couldn't be happier! I think he's happy to be back. "Dotty," he says to me. "Being around you makes me appreciate just how bad things can get." What a nice boy!

Anyway, since Luke has been back, we've done two zombie-related things. We created a group on this website called S.O.Z. which stands for Save Our Zombies. I do wish that people would stop trying to kill them and focus on curing them. Zombies were people once too! Luke won't sign up to this website though. "Dotty," he says. "I'm around loonies all day long doing community service - I can't manage it online too." He's a nice boy but he doesn't always understand the internet.

The other thing we did was to discuss who's going to save the zombies from the latest health scare on red meat. It's all very well for humans to watch their red meat consumption but just how are we to save the zombies from the ill effects of an all-red meat diet? Is it possible to encourage them to eat more fish or chicken? Luke didn't have any answers but I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't think that zombies are just monsters. It's our duty to help them! We'd help them if they weren't bitten, infected creatures, wouldn't we? They'd just be people then. What's really so different? They still have needs. They can't help their new natures. So who will save our zombies??

[Lucinda]

Apologies for not writing sooner, Dotty. I’ve been in Belize setting up my own Zombie testing lab. My internet access has been intermittent, not to mention the huge workload I’ve had to contend with. (Do you know, in the past five months there have been days where I’ve worked for two hours straight, without so much as a cup of tea? Truth).

Now…If you ask me, which any sensible person would normally do, then I would say that this Luke boy you’ve clearly got the hots for ought to be flogged to within an inch of his life. This is his second stint of community service, I understand?

Well! Excuse me for being a hoity-toit. Perhaps I’ve got it wrong. But it’s re-offenders like him that I think ought to be made use of: how about by being turned into zombies in a controlled environment so we can learn about their nature? Never mind ‘dear’ Luke - he’s been given his chance to reform and he blew it. Unless he re-offended to so he could continue his intergenerational relationship with good old Dotty (by the way, the prude act doesn’t wash with me, my dear…), in which case you ought to head the same way. Lucinda’s Zombie lab.

I can give you the address if you like?